The Two Second Man

I met the Two Second Man (TSM) shortly after the Religious One (RO - one of the worst - story to come at a later date).  TSM was really normal at first, especially compared to RO.  TSM was really tall, probably about 6’4.  He had light hair, a tan, and he was fit.  He also had a pretty good job.  Sounds good so far, ya?  TSM would take me on a bunch of dates.  We would go grab some drinks, or check out a restaurant we’ve never been to before.  My favourite is when we would go for long drives to nowhere in particular in his Jeep.  It was fun and it was summertime.  So this went on for about 3 weeks before TSM finally invited me over to his place.  We spent the evening half cuddling on his couch and watching TV.  I never saw his bedroom that night :(  A week later TSM invited me over to his place again.  Score! This had to be it.  I ask him to take me on a tour of his place because he had failed to take me on one before.  I get to actually see his bedroom!  This is when TSM pulls a bold move… He suggests that we watch television IN his bedroom. WOAH!  About 2 hours later I think to myself, eff this, I’m going for the gold.  Rightfully so, things start to get hot and heavy as they’d say.  But let’s skip all of that because it is not what this story is about.   The first time we have sex it lasts no more than 5 seconds.  I am serious.  I know, this story is about the TWO second man.  I’ll get there.  Obviously TSM becomes extremely embarrassed after this 5 second incident.  I try my best to let him know that it is okay and that I don’t mind.  Really, what the hell am I supposed to do at this point?  He suggests that we try it again and mentions that it has been a while since his last time.  Fair enough.  Here we go again!  I AM NOT JOKING HERE.  The next time lasts TWO SECONDS.  WHAT THE HECK.  TSM looks extremely confused at this point and keeps muttering the same sentence “you don’t understand.”  Okay well, make me understand! Explain yourself, captain! TSM’s final excuse is that he hadn’t had sex in over 3 years and that we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore because I am too obsessed with sex.

So that’s my issue, folks.  I am obsessed with sex.