Jenna Marbles Wisdom

Jenna Marbles is a pretty smart woman.  I guess I have been doing it all wrong.  Perhaps I will try her advice in this video.



The Two Second Man

I met the Two Second Man (TSM) shortly after the Religious One (RO - one of the worst - story to come at a later date).  TSM was really normal at first, especially compared to RO.  TSM was really tall, probably about 6’4.  He had light hair, a tan, and he was fit.  He also had a pretty good job.  Sounds good so far, ya?  TSM would take me on a bunch of dates.  We would go grab some drinks, or check out a restaurant we’ve never been to before.  My favourite is when we would go for long drives to nowhere in particular in his Jeep.  It was fun and it was summertime.  So this went on for about 3 weeks before TSM finally invited me over to his place.  We spent the evening half cuddling on his couch and watching TV.  I never saw his bedroom that night :(  A week later TSM invited me over to his place again.  Score! This had to be it.  I ask him to take me on a tour of his place because he had failed to take me on one before.  I get to actually see his bedroom!  This is when TSM pulls a bold move… He suggests that we watch television IN his bedroom. WOAH!  About 2 hours later I think to myself, eff this, I’m going for the gold.  Rightfully so, things start to get hot and heavy as they’d say.  But let’s skip all of that because it is not what this story is about.   The first time we have sex it lasts no more than 5 seconds.  I am serious.  I know, this story is about the TWO second man.  I’ll get there.  Obviously TSM becomes extremely embarrassed after this 5 second incident.  I try my best to let him know that it is okay and that I don’t mind.  Really, what the hell am I supposed to do at this point?  He suggests that we try it again and mentions that it has been a while since his last time.  Fair enough.  Here we go again!  I AM NOT JOKING HERE.  The next time lasts TWO SECONDS.  WHAT THE HECK.  TSM looks extremely confused at this point and keeps muttering the same sentence “you don’t understand.”  Okay well, make me understand! Explain yourself, captain! TSM’s final excuse is that he hadn’t had sex in over 3 years and that we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore because I am too obsessed with sex.

So that’s my issue, folks.  I am obsessed with sex.

POF 001

So Plenty of Fish is free and I'm pretty sure there are a bajillion profiles on there.  Free also means 9 out of every 10 males are mentally challenged.  Here are a few recent messages I have received:

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"Hi wow u r do pretty seriously How r u"

"hey there gorgeous hope your having a wonderful day so far i thought i would try my luck with a riddle instead of a pick up line here it is. Your best friend, the man of your dreams and an old lady are trapped in a storm you only have room for one in your car. who would you save ps there is a way to way to save them all"

"Hey hows it going? just thought i would say hello anyways hello"

"I have a genuine smile. Let's see how far it takes me....ugh I'm really tired sorry that was the worst line. If you can even call it a line. Not even sure why I said that lol

I've had a long day already, but I wanted to make sure I got a message in to you before I forgot.

Look, I'll be as straight forward as I can. If you are actually interested in meetin a nice guy that's looking for a real meaningful relationship. It would probably not Hurt you to write me back! I'm really good at holding doors, just saying..." 

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WOW eh, I'm a really lucky girl.  How am I going to choose from this batch of gentlemen???  I think my problem is that I have too many good quality men out there and I just miss out! ya? That's probably not it.

The Leslieville Creep

I try to block this guy out of my mind as much as possible.  Let’s call him LC.  I even forget which dating site I found him on.  He WAS good looking, seemed outgoing, tall, looked nice in a suit, etc.  We sent a few messages back and forth and then eventually started texting.  The usual.  So finally we decide to meet up at a Boston Pizza because a hockey game was on.  Easy enough.  He’s 15 minutes late.  He says he was doing a return at Canadian Tire.  That sounded important, so I let it go.  LC liked to talk with his mouth open.  LC also liked to people watch, which is also one of my favourite activities, but LC liked to point right at people as he was talking about them.  Real smooth, buddy.  Towards the end of the “date” I went to use the bathroom.  Within 15 seconds of leaving the table I get a text from him that says “so, we’re going back to my place to fool around, right?” WHAT IN THE HECK.  Immediately I text back saying “um, NO.  I don’t do that.”  Well yes, I do THAT, but not right now.  He eventually texts back “no, you are coming back with me, okay.”  Yes, this is all happening as I am in the ladies room.  What the frack do I even do at this point?  I disregard the last text and walk right over to the table, grab my jacket, and hightail it right out of there.  I’ve never driven out of a parking lot that fast before.  Beware of the Leslieville creep.

AW SHIT

So eventually this blog will be filled with stories of the horrible dates and the horrible guys I have come across.  Hopefully you can laugh and even feel sorry for me at some points.  

"A is for ASSHOLE and W is for WORST DATE EVER.... AW SHIT!!!" - good friend.